Who am I? Who do I choose to be? After years of soul-searching, veil-lifting, fear-transmuting, body-cleansing, attuning to Reiki, becoming a Wife, becoming a Mother (twice in two years), moving house more times than I’d care to share, changing my name, changing my outlook, returning to my original hair color, getting symbolic ink, intending to become a harmonious match with my energetic blueprint, delving into implementing permaculture practices at our homestead, etc. etc. So much change. So much to ground in. So thankful for it all. Oh, the journey! It’s incredible, isn’t it?
Luckily, I embrace change. I yearn to grow deeply and change as is appropriate. My likes and dislikes wax and wane, like the ever shifting tides of the moon. I find my true self at the center of it all. I see myself reflected through the shining eyes of my children. I am humbled by the constant change. I remain feeling simple and small with my full-time-mom job. And somehow so big. Bigger than I have ever felt before. Certainly, I believe, bigger than I have felt in any other lifetime. Because I am feeling AUTHENTICITY rippling through my experience.
You see, I was once the people-pleaser, looking to not upset anyone, to not ruffle any feathers. But through the many years of change, I have become pleasingly comfortable with myself, and realize that I no longer seek the external validation. Such liberation in that! Maybe you are the type that has never given a f*ck (lovingly). This is new for me! And I joyfully embrace it.
Seeking approval is living from the outside/in. And I would much rather live from the core — from the inside/out. So that each gesture, each word, each vibe I emit, is coming from my truest self. Sometimes thats pretty and acceptable, sometimes its wild and fierce. But I am learning to accept myself in all forms.
What does this say for my offering? I am exploring to see what my new offering to the world at large is. I used to think it was being a Reiki teacher. I used to think it was creating herbal products, merino wool baby shoes, offering lymphatic decongestion sessions, offering inspiration, taking pretty pictures, drawing cards for people. . . the list goes on. (and note: I still love all of those “doings”) But I feel deep within me that my offering is something beyond all of that. And maybe not. I am open to heed the call. And I know that I am fully Wife, fully Mother, fully ME. Maybe that’s what I came here to be.
With love, Nalla